


On Deaf Ears

by thatsmistertoyou



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Castiel in Purgatory, Dean in Purgatory, Freeform, M/M, Mutual Pining, Prayer, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 12:26:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3896257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsmistertoyou/pseuds/thatsmistertoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Purgatory, Castiel hears Dean’s prayers, and wishes Dean could hear his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Deaf Ears

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: Focuses on what happened in Purgatory in chronological order and shortly thereafter, up through 8.17 “Goodbye Stranger”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKp_0BI2ij8
> 
> I’m entirely convinced that we only got 16 minutes of purgatory because the writers wanted to see how we’d fill in the gaps. Inspired by a fic of similar format, told entirely in Dean’s prayers to Cas. 
> 
> Beta'ed by galaxyphan and silverluminosity <3

Hey Cas - you had better be okay. We were jumped back there and whatever got you, I’m sure you kicked its ass. I’m alright; no more than a few scratches but healing mojo would be handy right about now. Of all the places I’m sure we’d wind up somehow, we landed in _purgatory_. Fucking hell, man. I’m not far from where we poofed in. Get your feathery hide over here when you can.

 

Dean - You have to understand that I _had_ to leave and I _have_ to stay away. You’re a more than capable hunter; I knew you would be just fine. I would make sure of it. But I cannot come back. I wish it didn’t have to be this way - and that prayers worked both ways. I hear you, Dean.

 

Dear _Castiel_ \- thine holy highness had better be listening. You’re probably smiting leviathan or some shit - I know it’s only been a few days but surely I can’t have been praying to you at a bad time every night? Does your transporting angel mojo not work in this hellhole? Your grace seems just fine to me - these sons of bitches seem to know that you’re here. No one’s got anything useful on where you are. Or anything useful at all.

 

Dean - I know the monsters know I’m here. My grace seems to provoke them, but your humanity is even more powerful.  It permeates every molecule of this place. And that’s why I had to leave: _everything_ in here is after you. It’s easy to find you here and it was easy to find you in hell. Dean Winchester: a beacon of righteousness. But I have an even larger target on my back, and I’ve steered it away from you because -  Nevermind. You can’t hear me.

 

Castiel - I pray that you may grace me with your trenchcoated presence. Seriously, man - where are you? Not that I’m not livin’ the dream by killing monsters all day and night but it’d be nice to have someone around who I can trust. I meant what I said when we were topside, Cas. You’re all I’ve got, and I’d rather have you around than have you prancing around this place alone, with everything here on our tails. We’re a team.

 

Dean - I think being here has helped me clear my head. All I can think about is how badly I’ve ruined everything. It’s my fault we’re both here. Sanity is relative but I’m not particularly thrilled to have it back.

 

Cas - this vamp said he knew where you were and then led me to bum fucking Egypt. I killed him and his friends after he told me for good measure, but my question is why the sonuvabitch lied in the first place? Unless he _thought_ he was telling the truth, and you’re just that hard to track? C’mon, man, if we’ve got any hope of getting outta here, I - whatever. You got me.

 

Dean - I’m always trying to protect you. The least you could do is let me. Conspicuous, merciless killing is beneath you. I know they’re monsters. But you’re not - despite what you think.

 

Dear Cas - I pray that you fucking pick up the angel phone every once in a while. There’s no fuckin way you can’t hear me, man. I’ve gone over it a thousand times in my head. If these bitches know that you’re an angel, that must mean you have your ears on. I don’t know which one of us they want to munch on more. But if somehow they’ve already gotten to you - I swear, I’ll gut this place til I’m the only thing left.

 

Dean - These monsters seem to think that they want to find you more than I do. They’re sadly mistaken.

 

Cas - I’m seriously worried about, you, man. There’s gotta be a reason you haven’t found me yet. Everything in here knows exactly where to find me, except you. I just - It’d be nice to have you around. Or just to know that you’re okay.

 

Dean - I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you’ve asked a thousand times. I don’t know what it is about this place that’s help me grasp a larger portion of human emotion; you’re the only shred of humanity here. I’ve only just skimmed the surface of feeling, it seems. But now I know what it means to be sorry. And I truly am. But I can’t fix it. Again.

 

Hey Castiel - this one’s important so listen up. I’ve found this vamp named Benny who says he’s got a one way ticket outta Monster Town, and you’re invited. He says there’s a portal out of here that’s dyin’ to spit us out. Even if we find it, I’m not trying it without you, Cas.

 

Dean - I don’t trust vampires. You don’t have to be able to hear me to know that. His proposition seems possible. Please leave without me if you find it. Please.

 

Cas - me ‘n Benny have a new lead on the escape hatch. Get the hell over here. Ya know, Benny likes to make the joke that I should say ‘get the purgatory over here’ instead. I’d hope it’d get at least a chuckle outta you. Whatever, doesn't matter.

 

Dean - You have too much hope. Hope that I’m listening, which I am. Hope that I’m okay, which is as true as it will ever be. Hope that I’ll come to you - that’s where I have to fail you again. Hope is dangerous, Dean. That’s what landed us here. I hoped I could fix Heaven. I hoped I could be a benevolent leader. My hopes were crushed. But yours are only growing. You can’t hope that I’ll be able to join you if you’re able to leave. I’ll only disappoint you.

 

Cas - okay, man, I’m gonna level with you. Benny thinks I’m nuts for wanting to find you. We’ve been over it a thousand times: either you’re down for the count or you don’t want to be found. I’m not an idiot, I’ve got that much. But I’m gonna find you even if you’re not lost. We’re in this together, man. And I’m not leaving without you.

 

Dean - you’d be able to attest to the fact that angels can be selfish. It’s unutterably selfish of me to feel glad that you’re searching for me more intensely than ever. These leviathan - they know me. I was one with them once. They’ll stop at nothing to destroy me, and you’ll get caught in the crossfire. But I want you here. Loneliness is a hollow, unpleasant sensation.

 

Dear Cas - I - I miss Sammy. If you’re listening and you can, somehow, can you check up on him? I’m sure he’s still fightin’ the good fight but I never wanted him to do it alone. I got him into this mess and it’s only fair I’m with him to the end, you know? Same goes for you, man.

 

Dean - Sam prayed to me once. He gave up when I didn’t show, and believe me, I tried. I wish I had more news of him. I’m positive that he’s pulling every string he has to find a way to get you out. He’s more loyal to you than I can ever be.

 

Cas - I need a damn drink. I’m so tired, Cas. So tired. I feel like the Purgatory Cleansweep or some shit, killing monsters all the time. Most of the time it’s fun but sometimes I feel like a robot programmed to do the same shit over and over with no gratification, you know? You gotta know what that feels like. Benny’s good company but with me ‘n him against the world out here, it gets lonely and, I dunno, mechanical.

 

Dean - I miss the way you smell of old leather and gunpowder and aftershave and just a bit of the last liquor you drank. I didn’t particularly enjoy alcohol - although I suppose the effects are significantly dulled for me. Does the liquid fill the empty feeling in one’s gut, or does it just slosh around and burn at the edges?

 

Hey Cas - still pluggin' along like the Little Engines That Could But Still Won't Without One Castiel Angel of the Lord. At this point, me ‘n Benny are just looking for you, man. He's given up on the fact that I’d leave without you cuz I told him to fuck the portal til we find you. When we do, then we'll find the portal, and we'll get out. I swear it.

 

Dean - You nearly found me today. I could feel it in every fiber of my being. Not just your humanity - although, that is quite glaring. Like humans staring directly into the sun, I’d imagine. Knowing that you were close, that you were searching for me, that you wanted nothing more than to find me - it left me feeling _warm._ I stood there, too long - hoping that I would stay just long enough that it’d be too late for me to run away again and my choice would made for me. But even I’m not that selfish. Like you seem to understand now, we angels look for a clear purpose. And my purpose is to do penance and keep away from you. I can attest to the fact that it’s not gratifying at all.

 

Cas - still looking for you. Some mutts claimed to know where you were and fuckin led us to a trap. We got em, though.

 

Dean - please stop wasting time looking for me. You’re delaying your own escape and putting yourself in danger. Please just leave me here. I deserve this.

 

Cas - that ambush got me thinkin'. Why are we doing this, you know? Why did they wanna kill me n Benny? What would they gain from that? Sure they're monsters but they're stuck like that and they're stuck here. Does it feel good to them? Do they think that it'll benefit them? No reason to set the trap if we weren't gonna hurt em. We were, but they didn't need to know that. I dunno, man. Benny doesn't seem to get it. He's learned that the only choices in this place are kill or be killed. Sooner I learn that the better.

 

Dean - Free will is tricky business. Most angels don’t understand that by giving it to you, my Father put you on a sinking ship. Father’s new playthings don’t know what to do with themselves, they thought. The angels - they can’t comprehend the fear behind the agency of choice. I could abandon my mission of keeping you safe. It would take less than a second. It’s certainly what I want, and I _could_ do it. I could be with you again, consequences be damned. I could spend eternity smiting every monster in this place until we’re the only two left. Trapped by my own choices - the irony is beautiful in a way. It’s rusting away my willpower.

 

Cas - I need you here, man. I don't know how else I can say it. Do you want me to get down on my knees and beg? I'm doing it right now, man, what else is there? Do you want me to throw my hands up and admit this is my fault? It's my damn fault we're still here. If I could just fuckin find you we'd be outta here. You're a damn ray of cloud sunshine in a trenchcoat - can't be that hard to find. Don't wanna believe you're not out there lookin' for me too. Faith is blind and I hate it.

 

Dean - this isn’t your fault. Please stop thinking that. It’s mine, and it’s up to me to protect you. I promised to watch over you, and that’s exactly what I will do.

 

Cas - I dunno how long we’ve been here. Benny got to talking about time cuz he asked what year it was up top and I realized that I might not even know. I don’t know what year it is. All I know is I haven’t gotten a decent night’s rest in years, and that hasn’t got much to do with the monsters on my ass. Keep moving - that’s been the way. But what speed am I moving at? I dunno, at this point I’m just talking to myself. You stay fucking put. I’ve got a lead.

 

Dean - I know you know where I am, and I should be moving. I should run again. But I can’t do it anymore. It’s selfish and dangerous and irresponsible, but I’m telling myself that I still have time to leave if I want to. But I don’t - I want to protect you but I don’t think it’s working anymore. I’m being too reckless because I want you to find me. Want is a strange animal.

 

Cas - there was this mutt that told me where to find you and I’m coming. I figure it can’t hurt to tell you so - I mean, what else have I got left to lose? If you wanna high-tail it outta there before I get there I know you can. But I’ll be there.

 

Dean - I know you’re going to find me, if not tomorrow, then eventually. I want to be found, and you want to find me. I wish things could be that simple all the time, that our missions could always coincide. My mission was once so clear: Find Dean Winchester. Save him. Put him back together. Never let anyone stand between you and your mission. My mission has been you from the beginning. I wish you could know that that’s entirely up to me now, and I’ve still chosen you.

 

Cas - it was good to see you, man. Good to see you in one piece and more or less the same old you. G’night.

 

Dean - I didn’t think it would be so hard to see you again. The full weight of how much I’ve betrayed you is almost more than I can bear. That’s why I have to stay. I deserve to rot here. I don’t deserve the luxury of your forgiveness or your company or your loyalty. I’ve always admired that about you, Dean. You never do an incomplete job. You give everything. And all I gave you in return was the chance to be rid of me. It’s all I have, but it’s all yours.

 

Cas - I realize I don’t need to pray anymore but I don’t need Benny to hear this right now so here it goes: I know you don’t think it’ll work. But I’d rather die than leave you here when there’s a chance all three of us can make it out. Nobody’s getting left here. I won’t abandon you. I need you, okay? That’s not easy for me to admit, I just - that’s it. That’s all I got. Night.

 

Dean - Maybe one day you’ll understand why I had to stay. I hope you don’t blame yourself for it. You didn’t leave me behind; I chose to stay. I need to atone for the things I’ve done - I’ve caused innocent people their lives, I decided to play God, I made a deal with the devil, and worst of all, I let my friends down. I _will_ find a way to make this up to you, Dean, I meant that. I don’t know how long it will take or how long I will be here. Forever is what I deserve, but the thought is painful only because I’d never be able to see you again. I thought I had made peace with that when we arrived here, but your loyalty always manages to astound me. It makes me hope that we will meet again. But hope is dangerous, and I’ve caused you nothing but danger.

 

Dean - the radio silence is deafening. I understand why you haven’t called to me directly but I can feel _something._ I feel a pull towards you at the oddest moments, which I can only assume is you contacting me from Earth. But I’ve received prayers from people on Earth while here, and I was able to hear them, so you musn’t be praying directly. I don’t know what it is, but I’ll try to find out.

 

Dean - I’m sorry.

 

Dean - This is the first time I’ve really wished that humans could pick up on prayer as well. And I’ve figured out what it is that I’m feeling from you - longing.

 

Dean - I now know how you felt after I saved you from perdition. I have a mission again, but I don’t know what it is. All I know is that Naomi is training me for something. And that’s all I remember right now.

 

Dean - I’ve killed you a thousand times now, and it never gets any easier. Mechanical precision has always been a strong point of mine, but that can be expected from any soldier of Heaven. I take comfort in the fact that it is not really you that I’m hurting - although that’s a lie. I want nothing more than to tell you the truth, but by the time I have a chance, I’ve forgotten again.

 

Dean - I’m so sorry I hurt you. I would say Naomi made me do it, but that’s not entirely true. I’ve become all too expert in the art of lying to myself. A Winchester trait, I suppose. But I have a directive again: protect the angel tablet. Simple, mindless angel duties. I regret wishing for them. I regret striking you and I regret almost not being able to break Naomi’s hold on me. You brought me back to you, like you always do. I wish I had half of your courage - then maybe I could tell you that I need you, too. Need is an entirely human emotion, and I don’t particularly like it. It’s tethering and it’s desperate and I wish I didn’t understand it. But I do, Dean. I do. 


End file.
